Yesterday I was at my most down. I woke up feeling rather attached to someone and I feared for a lot of things. Would you leave me, would everything be different once summer ends? I’ve never felt so responsible over someone and we barely knew one another. Everything happened so quickly, and drastically, and it all started when he came up to me outside the cafe. I was alone (feeling rather ditched by someone because he was in his deep slumber in the sofa). We tried to wake a friend up but to no avail. So he spent the time talking and catching up with me. We’ve met before but we weren’t close. That was the day he was moving out from our dormitory to live outside with his brothers. While he was trying to engage me in conversation, I felt something was amiss. There was a longing in his eyes and in the way he spoke. I should’ve picked it up.

Fast forward a week he started meeting me and that’s when he started pouring out the problems he was facing. His heart and mind were everywhere and I felt that he needed  a friend. Someone to give advices to and lend a shoulder. I wanted to keep his mind off of things because he admitted ever since the problem started, he left his favourite past-times. He no longer does the routine he usually does. He’s not about change but instead of brooding over the same boring routine he was getting on, I kicked it up by occupying him and teaching him a subject he was taking. After his exams we started hanging out and I introduced him to all my friends. The times I spent with him are more than your usual friends or couples. Early in the day I teach him, till the end of the day of hanging out. He needed to be away from the house, he always said. To stop him from overthinking.

All this happened in a span of a week and I didn’t even go back to my hometown because I needed to occupy him. We spent so much time together even I shared some things about myself that I wouldn’t share it to anyone. For a person who is not adventurous and spontaneous, I let him try things he’d never expect. I wanted him to have fun and see life a new refreshing way. Everything doesn’t revolve around that problem and there is so much to look for in life. But these hours spent, I felt I was getting more closer and closer. I started to look at him as someone who would be the friend that I need and the friend I will have by my side. I see the qualities of a man indifferent from the ones I usually meet. He was charming and sweet, a little rough but comforting. All that hidden in a blanket of pain and sorrow. I wish I could lift it off of him but I need his help. He needs to try. Maybe I was sent his way for a reason. Maybe it was for me?

The lost puzzle piece

I’ve never felt intoxicated. A different kind of attraction to both the brain and soul. It makes me accomplish things I’d never expect. The kind where you start to do the things you’ve left a long time ago. It sparked a familiar flame that was once burning passionately inside of you. You were given the key to reopen the drawer of forgotten dreams and wishes that were once put down by the false idea of reality you once forbear.

This was the sign you’ve been looking for all along. The trigger was it all along.

If you ever find this feeling, hold onto it and never let it go. It is the missing puzzle piece in your life and it fits perfectly, in your hands.

21 & Single

I don’t know, but everything around me lately is about marriage. My friends are getting married, my cousins, the things I see, the blogs I follow and the classes I attend. It is supererogatory to get married in Islam, that I believe and I won’t argue.

I am 21, and I want to get married, but I don’t think its time yet, for me anyway. Half of my society says to live single life to the fullest and don’t get settled young, the other half promotes early marriage and work together for betterment.
Both of the opinions have merits and disadvantages. Honestly the latter weighs a bit more towards my perspective and understanding.

At this moment, I’m in my second semester of my university life. The average time to graduate is 4 years, and I have about 3 and a 1/2 more to go. I’m only going to consider marriage when I’m reaching towards the end of my programme. Let’s say in my 3rd year possibly. Then, I’ll give marriage a thought. I don’t want to get married young and I don’t want to get married too old.

And IF possible, I say if because it is most unlikely for me, I’d like to have an intermarriage, across borders. That way I can kill two birds with one stone *sheepish laugh*. Think about it, I get another reason to travel – to visit my future in-laws, I get another reason to learn a new language and the same time getting married, duh. Let’s say it’s killing three birds (why kill?).

I will be busy, or making myself busy, with doing things I currently love, I will always try and work my way to be a better person, I will grab new opportunities which uni life has to offer, I will fill my mind with reading and learning, and meet new people and accept every life lessons and experiences thrown my way. Insyallah (if God wills it).

Well whatever my future is, whatever journey I will take, I pray for the best for me (y’all pray for me too), and may my future spouse be the coolness to my eyes, my parents eyes, may he emulate the way of the beloved Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and may he walk with me side-by-side to betterment and goodness. Qul ameen (say amen)!

A girl can dream – and pray- can’t she?

Passive Sorrow

Nothing feels worser knowing you can’t do anything to change it. When you can’t make her smile because you didn’t go through what she went. Nothing feels worse than knowing you can’t be there for someone you care about. 

She is beautiful and kind, wise beyond her age and she is bold and brave. One of the bravest people I know. And one thing’s for sure, her heart is carved of the purest gold. She is one of the people who greatly inspires me and her friendship is one I treasure a lot. 

When you know a relationship based on love for the sake of Allah, it’s unbreakable and genuine. And I intend to keep it that way, laced with beautiful memories and learning. 

Right now she is at the other end of the happy spectrum. I can’t possibly feel what she feels because I am not in her place and body. I am not in her circumstance and experience. And I feel useless for being me, not being able to share her sorrows but to only linger outside of it.

My hearts breaks, but how many times more hers broke, how many times has she been greeted by the little blue line.

Ya Allah, make her patient, make her content when knowing she is not complete without it. Let her know that people around her really love her and make it known that she is cared for. Shower her with your blessings and let her hold strong onto the little hope that she has. Only You know what’s best.

May you always seek solace in His hands and protection, my darling. May I get to see the happiest smile in your eyes. 

My Top 5 Values

What are my values, really?

Yesterday I attended a seminar held by my school, International Islamic University Malaysia (IIUM) in collaboration with MUIS Academy. I came as part of the committee and frankly saying, I was so bad at my job! I was idling like a zombie waiting for fresh brains. But besides that, I was listening attentively to the 3rd module by brother Ihsan Sabri and he shared an activity which I think is beneficial for those who are still trying to figure themselves out – aka moi. It goes like this..

He distributed lists of 60 values in a table and next to it are short descriptions of it so we may get the idea of the meaning.

The feeling of success or accomplishment by means of exertion, skill,                          practice or perseverance.

To have self-control and self-restraint.

Giving proper weight to each area of one’s life.

We were asked to choose 25 values which we had, we have and we want to attain, something we deemed more important than the rest. This was quite a breeze for me because I know myself quite averagely and at this age, I should be recognising some of my qualities. Once we were done, we wrote on each piece of post-its and arranged them on the space in front of us at 5×5. I kept the paper aside and did as told and looked at my impressive choices. I felt good about my so called ‘skills’.

The next part caught me a bit off-guard because he told us to remove 15 – fifteen – of the values and arrange it to 5×2. It’s a little tricky because I have to decide which values I would have to prioritise over the other. After a few minutes of careful selecting after referring back to the list and back to the choosing, I finally settled with 10.

It’s not over yet. Once all were done, we had to take off another five. I’ve almost had it but I was determined to know where he was going with this. So I did as were told and although it was a bigger challenge, I manage to prioritise 5. In between of removals he mentioned that to be able to choose one over the other, it doesn’t mean that I have to let go of another value. It’s up to ourselves to define a value and how we can achieve countless other values with that same one. For example if you had to choose between FAMILY and FRIENDS, do you see your family as friends? Is it possible to have friends as your own? It’s up to our own perception, really. No right or wrong answers.

My top fives are:

Appreciation for things that are pleasing to eye, ideas, surroundings, and personal space.

Your dreams or expectations that you have the desire to achieve.

Being humble, modest and letting go of ego, being able to lower oneself.

Ability to apply knowledge or experience.

An intense feeling of deep fondness towards a person or thing.

Beauty reminds me of the appreciativeness towards everything we see, feel, hear and it also means assuming only of the good things we see in someone. Positive thinking comes from a positive mind and all we can feed it is with good and beautiful things. How else then with our senses where everything is connected to the mind. The choice of beauty surpassed my other choices of EQUALITY AND HARMONY. The Prophet ﷺ said “,Allah is Beautiful and likes beauty.

Hope is something I love to hold onto. When everything in my life seems to be tumbling down, when nothing is going my way, I hold onto the hope that assures me that everything I feel or am now is temporary. And what are trials if they are not blessings in disguise. I chose this over PATIENCE and AUTHENTICITY because with hope, I become sincere in my prayers and duas, I endure tests for as long as I can, and I come out with a better understanding of life. And hope gets me by another day, hope of being forgiven by the Merciful.
“Say (that Allah declares) ‘O My servants who have committed excesses against their own souls, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed Allah will forgive all sins. Indeed He is the All-forgiving, the All-merciful.” (39:53)

Humility, one of the most challenging values to attain and till now, I am still struggling with it. In the future I hope to humble myself in front of family, friends and younger people, in amidst of being with my peers or strangers, and the very most when in prostration with my Lord at anytime. It is my struggle and I intend to work on it. I am trying to downsize my ego and to always be in the state of renewing my intentions. SPIRITUALITY being important, but I believe in the balance of life because we are people-person and we were sent on this Earth to learn and know more of the people I will encounter. A disruptive ego will only get in the way of that.
“O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.” (49:13)

WISDOM to me is very important. It holds a close place to my heart because I believe it is innate in everyone to search for the divine truth. Believe it, we learn every single day. It is amazing how our minds can access new information. And I believe, knowledge is power and it will go far. This value encompasses the most number of values as all is attained by learning – how we walk, how we can be healthy, how we say a new language, how we engineer things, how we can provide happiness or learn to forgive, to provide security or peace, how do we have the integrity to move forward or to leave a legacy.. the list will never end, and so will wisdom.

From 60, it got down to 25, 10, then 5.

It can all seem very impressive when you have all that values in you. Say if you were to go on a journey to help your friend who is financially-stricken in another village. At the time there were no vehicles nor bikes. Only a footpath of dirt. If you brought all 25 gold bars to this journey, it would seem most fit. Because you can provide more. But at this journey on foot, it will slow you down, and you grow weary and tired. And soon enough you could not go on to help. Instead, if you carried what is sufficient, you would have made it on time and you would have helped your friend in the most right-minded way. Similarly, they represent your values. It’s good to have a variety of values so you can help and provide in many ways but it would mean you do not have the time to develop each of the values. But if you have only 5 and you worked really well on it, not only will it be beneficial, it will be most abundant. You will flourish on these values when you get to focus on them individually. That way you can find your true self and you are able to benefit not only yourself, but those around you.

Try this one out and share with me what are you 5 values! If you want I can share with you the list. Just hit me at my email!

May we be able to reap benefits and share them with the world, one value at a time,

Unknown insyallah.

Dear ___,

It weighs on me that I never told you..

I never told you how you once made me happy.

I never told you how much I appreciated you.

I never told you I’m sorry.

I never meant to leave it as I did.

But what I want to tell you is that,

thank you for everything.

Thank you for your support and love.

Thank your for the memories,

but it’s time.

There comes a time when it’s enough.

When everything we had was no longer real.

I’m sorry because the magic has dissipated.

Consumed with my own pride,

I watch myself crumble.

And with that, I brought you down with me.


I unbind us from this web

of destruction.

“Ït’s not you, it’s me.”

It’s all true. It was me.


Forget me not

The same things which used to keep me up all night, didn’t anymore. None of your words – or even your absence – struck me. It didn’t bother me because I’ve learned to let go. The days or conversations we once had were long gone. I’m starting to believe that my mind left way before I actually did.

But all I ask is for you to forget the mistakes I made and the pain I caused. Remember me as a friend who you once knew. We were foolish to swim among unchartered waters – sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. We were uncertain, and we will always be.

Keep the memories which makes you happy, but do not stay for you will never find reality. 

“And it wasn’t my choice to love you but it was mine to leave. I don’t think the moon ever meant to be the satellite, kept in loving orbit, locked in hopeless inertia, destined to repeat the same pattern over and over – to meet in eclipse with the sun – only when the numbers allowed.”
– Lang Leav