How I want it to be

more than anything, is to hear you laugh at my wittiness and sense of humour. Laughter is the remedy. Not just any kind, but the laughter where gums are showing and you can’t help but to throw your head back. The kind where your stomach hurts and you don’t feel restricted to genuinely laugh your hearts out. The one where I get to see you enjoy my company. That’s when I know you are comfortable with me. That’s how I want it to be.

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Unlikely friendship

A follow-up on: Chance

I spent my summer mostly with him. And we became best friends. He had a bracelet to officiate it as well. There you go, my first male best friend. One I have to consult my problems, to share my feelings, and talk about anything and everything. He knows how I feel usually and he understands me. I appreciate his kindness towards me and I hope this isn’t just a summer-fling-friendship (you get it). I’m currently packing my things as I’m leaving for the semester break. Just two weeks but he’s already bummed about it. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I won’t leave you, friend. I’m here for you always.

Until then, I want you to not forget me, take care of yourself, and think happy thoughts. I won’t be there to hold your hand and show you the way. It’s all you now. Make good choices and don’t stay in the past.

Chance

Yesterday I was at my most down. I woke up feeling rather attached to someone and I feared for a lot of things. Would you leave me, would everything be different once summer ends? I’ve never felt so responsible over someone and we barely knew one another. Everything happened so quickly, and drastically, and it all started when he came up to me outside the cafe. I was alone (feeling rather ditched by someone because he was in his deep slumber in the sofa). We tried to wake a friend up but to no avail. So he spent the time talking and catching up with me. We’ve met before but we weren’t close. That was the day he was moving out from our dormitory to live outside with his brothers. While he was trying to engage me in conversation, I felt something was amiss. There was a longing in his eyes and in the way he spoke. I should’ve picked it up.

Fast forward a week he started meeting me and that’s when he started pouring out the problems he was facing. His heart and mind were everywhere and I felt that he needed  a friend. Someone to give advices to and lend a shoulder. I wanted to keep his mind off of things because he admitted ever since the problem started, he left his favourite past-times. He no longer does the routine he usually does. He’s not about change but instead of brooding over the same boring routine he was getting on, I kicked it up by occupying him and teaching him a subject he was taking. After his exams we started hanging out and I introduced him to all my friends. The times I spent with him are more than your usual friends or couples. Early in the day I teach him, till the end of the day of hanging out. He needed to be away from the house, he always said. To stop him from overthinking.

All this happened in a span of a week and I didn’t even go back to my hometown because I needed to occupy him. We spent so much time together even I shared some things about myself that I wouldn’t share it to anyone. For a person who is not adventurous and spontaneous, I let him try things he’d never expect. I wanted him to have fun and see life a new refreshing way. Everything doesn’t revolve around that problem and there is so much to look for in life. But these hours spent, I felt I was getting more closer and closer. I started to look at him as someone who would be the friend that I need and the friend I will have by my side. I see the qualities of a man indifferent from the ones I usually meet. He was charming and sweet, a little rough but comforting. All that hidden in a blanket of pain and sorrow. I wish I could lift it off of him but I need his help. He needs to try. Maybe I was sent his way for a reason. Maybe it was for me?

Passive Sorrow

Nothing feels worser knowing you can’t do anything to change it. When you can’t make her smile because you didn’t go through what she went. Nothing feels worse than knowing you can’t be there for someone you care about. 

She is beautiful and kind, wise beyond her age and she is bold and brave. One of the bravest people I know. And one thing’s for sure, her heart is carved of the purest gold. She is one of the people who greatly inspires me and her friendship is one I treasure a lot. 

When you know a relationship based on love for the sake of Allah, it’s unbreakable and genuine. And I intend to keep it that way, laced with beautiful memories and learning. 

Right now she is at the other end of the happy spectrum. I can’t possibly feel what she feels because I am not in her place and body. I am not in her circumstance and experience. And I feel useless for being me, not being able to share her sorrows but to only linger outside of it.

My hearts breaks, but how many times more hers broke, how many times has she been greeted by the little blue line.

Ya Allah, make her patient, make her content when knowing she is not complete without it. Let her know that people around her really love her and make it known that she is cared for. Shower her with your blessings and let her hold strong onto the little hope that she has. Only You know what’s best.

May you always seek solace in His hands and protection, my darling. May I get to see the happiest smile in your eyes.