Unlikely friendship

A follow-up on: Chance

I spent my summer mostly with him. And we became best friends. He had a bracelet to officiate it as well. There you go, my first male best friend. One I have to consult my problems, to share my feelings, and talk about anything and everything. He knows how I feel usually and he understands me. I appreciate his kindness towards me and I hope this isn’t just a summer-fling-friendship (you get it). I’m currently packing my things as I’m leaving for the semester break. Just two weeks but he’s already bummed about it. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I won’t leave you, friend. I’m here for you always.

Until then, I want you to not forget me, take care of yourself, and think happy thoughts. I won’t be there to hold your hand and show you the way. It’s all you now. Make good choices and don’t stay in the past.

That girl

Do you ever just look in the mirror and find yourself staring at someone you are unsure of. This person at the other end looks like you, moves like you and breathes like you. But somehow you couldn't recognise her. You can't help but wonder what is she going to do next or what shes thinking about. She has emptiness and fear in her eyes. She has the look of hope written all over her yet she does nothing. She doesn't know which step to take, nor she knows what to feel. This girl had no future, and no beginning. Just stillness and void. She is almost wasted. What would you say to that girl?

August 2017

I’ve made it into August (I’m already at the half mark)! After such a dramatic and emotional July, I’m ready to move on.
If I had to describe July, it was a mess. A terrible mâché of unstable emotions, broken dreams and missed opportunities. I would like to make up for it for doing as much as I can, for my own productivity and experience. I need to take charge of my feelings and intentions. It has to be renewed constantly and I have to kick myself into driver seat.
It’s all about positivity and hope now.

I tend to make goals every month so here’s August’s:

Stay happy
Love hard
Admit mistakes
Appreciate life
Be bolder

So far, my August agenda is filled with so many things! It’s one of the important months because one of my close friends is getting married. And this month I get to go for a little getaway as well. So here’s to me, trying out new things and making new memories. Till the next post!

Love energy

Energy is transferrable. Its never created nor destroyed but it changes its form. It wasnt you who hurt me. It was me all along. I started loving when I wasnt ready. I did both the loving and the hurting. The love that I found caused tidal waves of hurt and disappointment.

Fix you

“I promised to fix you, to help you, to save you. I promised to pull you back up to the surface of these violent waters. But somewhere, somewhere among the churning waves, I drowned. And as blue faded to black, I prayed not for my life; I prayed that I succeeded in making you float.

Tell me you’re floating. Please, look down deep into the water below. Squint, search for my fading silhouette. And tell me that I fixed you, helped you, saved you.”



“The chapter I wrote yesterday is merely symbolic now. Today I have something new to write about, as I will tomorrow. You can read what I’ve written, however, the context will appear entirely different than the way I meant for it to come across. Just because we read the same book it does not mean that the significance will be mean the same to you. I want to believe that this is how our love worked. What I wrote and what you read were two different things.”

Natalie Meza

Weekend Getaway


I stole my weekend amongst datelines and projects to escape to the beach. Honestly I can’t remember the last time I went to one. Too long. I miss the salty breeze and warm glowing sun. I miss getting sand stuck in between my toes and letting the sun kiss whats left of me.

Destination: Pulau Perhentian
Date: 7-9th of April 2017

I was actually planning to go to Perhentian but it kind of exceeded our budget – probably because of the resort I chose. I mean I want to live like the queen for once, you know. Opportunity showed up, plastered on the screen of the noticeboard near to the cafe in my school. What interested me the most was the offer it presented. Basically, what we’re trying to achieve accumulated only 1/3 of the amount we were supposed to lay out. Well, obviously it wasn’t a resort per se but it’ll do. I was desperate.

I showed the poster to Hidayah and circumstances wouldn’t allow her but she joined me at the last minute, which was great because it was our plan initially(or was it mine). I wouldn’t mind going on my own with a group of strangers though! You can make friends anywhere you go. Golden tip.

Paid the rest of the balance and we gathered on Thursday night at the grand staircase, then off we went! It was the most longest, tiring, uncomfortable bus ride ever. 9 freaking hours, bumpy and freezing my ass off. We reached the morning of the next day and had our breakfast at the most expensive and tackiest local food place. I see you, snake, trynna suck the moolahs of these tourists. Me included, sigh.

Day 1.
We waited at the jetty and took a boat ride for an hour to our residing area, Kampung Nelayan (Fishermen Village). We checked in to our 5-star resort, the Sealife Inn Hostel. A large room with 5 king beds, a single toilet and a shower. Wowwee. It’s alright though, we had amazing roomies. We changed to begin the adventure with trekking around the Island. I thought it was simple because they made brick pathways throughout but after about 1/2 an hour, it proved to be a bit more challenging. The pathways were destroyed by the overgrowth of land and roots and also destroyed by the flowing river. And not to forget the extremely steep paths that seemed to never end. I swear halfway my legs were about to fail on me. Our journey was interrupted by the sudden downpour and we took shelter near a construction site. I noticed we were already among resorts so we had to take a detour and head onto Long Beach – downwards. Once we were there we couldn’t resist and jumped in the water! The current was strong though. Waves pounded on us and for a few times we lost our balance. What a way to greet us!

After we dried up a bit, we pressed on further for a hike to where the wind turbines were. Rocky and slippery, we made it after 45 minutes of climbing. The view is ah-may-zing. It was worth it. The climb, the slip, the sweat and non-existent tears. Everything else was forgotten. Except that moment. Took a mental picture in my head since my GoPro was acting up and we returned back to the beach. Oh yeah the place was crowded which was why we didn’t stay up there for long.

Hidayah was sweet to accompany me there till night time and we had barbecued fish and homemade pizza. We also watched the lit af fire show (no pun intended). We spent the rest of the night sitting on the sand and watch the waves crash on the shore, underneath the splatter of stars. When it was time to go, we hired a water taxi and had the most frightening journey of our lives. A bit of an exaggeration but hear me out. In the dark, with the aid of light strapped on the boatman’s forehead, possibly maxed out speed, no roof on our heads and no place to support ourselves. Not forgetting to mention the open sea. We couldn’t even speak due to the strong gushing wind and the excessive skips on the surface of the sea. We can only cry faintly and express pain cause it rocked violently.

When we got back to the hostel and I took my own sweet time to shower. I was the last one. Got all my toiletries and towel, hung it up and opened the valve. Guess what? Not a single drop of water. Then I remembered I refilled my water bottle so I had only that much to clean off the sand from my body. Horrifying.

Day 2.
Honestly, let me fill this one up in the future. (This has been too long overdued.)


Yesterday I was at my most down. I woke up feeling rather attached to someone and I feared for a lot of things. Would you leave me, would everything be different once summer ends? I’ve never felt so responsible over someone and we barely knew one another. Everything happened so quickly, and drastically, and it all started when he came up to me outside the cafe. I was alone (feeling rather ditched by someone because he was in his deep slumber in the sofa). We tried to wake a friend up but to no avail. So he spent the time talking and catching up with me. We’ve met before but we weren’t close. That was the day he was moving out from our dormitory to live outside with his brothers. While he was trying to engage me in conversation, I felt something was amiss. There was a longing in his eyes and in the way he spoke. I should’ve picked it up.

Fast forward a week he started meeting me and that’s when he started pouring out the problems he was facing. His heart and mind were everywhere and I felt that he needed  a friend. Someone to give advices to and lend a shoulder. I wanted to keep his mind off of things because he admitted ever since the problem started, he left his favourite past-times. He no longer does the routine he usually does. He’s not about change but instead of brooding over the same boring routine he was getting on, I kicked it up by occupying him and teaching him a subject he was taking. After his exams we started hanging out and I introduced him to all my friends. The times I spent with him are more than your usual friends or couples. Early in the day I teach him, till the end of the day of hanging out. He needed to be away from the house, he always said. To stop him from overthinking.

All this happened in a span of a week and I didn’t even go back to my hometown because I needed to occupy him. We spent so much time together even I shared some things about myself that I wouldn’t share it to anyone. For a person who is not adventurous and spontaneous, I let him try things he’d never expect. I wanted him to have fun and see life a new refreshing way. Everything doesn’t revolve around that problem and there is so much to look for in life. But these hours spent, I felt I was getting more closer and closer. I started to look at him as someone who would be the friend that I need and the friend I will have by my side. I see the qualities of a man indifferent from the ones I usually meet. He was charming and sweet, a little rough but comforting. All that hidden in a blanket of pain and sorrow. I wish I could lift it off of him but I need his help. He needs to try. Maybe I was sent his way for a reason. Maybe it was for me?