Distance taught me one thing. It taught me how to love.
I’ve recently got out of a relationship. And it wasn’t pretty. It was intense. It didn’t end as planned. I didn’t feel depressed, probably because I initiated it. What led me to this? Instinct. It felt.. not right. I trusted my gut and pulled myself out. Did I made the right choice? I don’t know. Did I regretted it? I don’t know. If I could change one thing, I would’ve trusted my guts a long time ago. Well it took me almost two years to finally realise it.
All I needed was a push.
The push, however is from a number of things. More and more each day, I become convinced that it’s not right for me. I’m not right for him. Instead of being happy, lately I felt like a lost puppy. I kept depending on him for my happiness, when in actual fact I was juggling his. My feelings never actually mattered to me. And more at the end I felt like my love had to be bought. I keep expecting things in return for this relationship to work. I gave nothing, only convictions, only feelings. That’s when I realised I can’t keep doing this. Our minds don’t coincide, our maturity was at two different ends. And I waivered my doubts as measly things. I held my mask on tightly because I thought this was a passing storm.
I was the one building the storm.
He didn’t deserve this. He was nothing but kind and showered his love to me. He expects so much of me when I can only give little in return. He was building a castle around us when I was clawing my way out. Was I afraid? Was I a coward? Was I overruled by doubt?
I can’t tell if I made the right choice or not. But it’s too late now. A decison has been made.. An ending, for god knows when. Will there be anyone who will love me as much as him? I don’t know.
All I know, it will never be the same, like what you and I had. And I’m sorry. For everything. I truly am, for breaking promises, for breaking your heart.
You have been my first love, and now you’re my first heartbreak.