Moving Away

For college life! My school is located in Kuala Lumpur, about 343km away from my hometown. Not that impressive, but it’s still away

After much, much, complications and false-hopings, we will be trying our luck to get ourselves INTO the school, by presenting ourselves right under their (admin) noses. After all, we did as were told, and even had all the documents (crazy requests) submitted – including their steep fees. They returned the favor with delaying our notifications, informing us the possibility of a deferment and giving an impossible dateline to surpass. So you’d understand if we will come head-to-head with the office folk in the school. 

As much as I dislike their way of things and the processes, I marvel at the educational curriculums which they currently offer. All I want is to further my studies and fill my brain with new information and knowledge. Expecting so much from a prestigious school, I am willing to close one eye on certain limitations – like unreasonable rules and procedures. 

(And this is me speaking, being a total sourpuss when I’m not officially in yet.) 

Nonetheless, I am very adaptable to my surroundings and I, as usual, will find the light of things. Hopefully I’ve made the right choice in surrendering to their politics so that I may learn. If one has the truest of intentions, what could go wrong, eh? Here’s to me, journeying to the life of independence, adulthood and of a student. 

Princess

 “In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.” —Mignon McLaughlin

Youngins of the 90s revolved around the introduction of Disney Princesses, their fairytale, and ‘happily everafters’. It was always waiting for princes on their steeds, waiting to be rescued. Who could blame them thinking they were damsels in distress, waiting for ‘the one’ to sweep them off their feet into happiness. 

The idea of love is there, somehow. You’ll know he’s the one if he completes your duet and saves you from the fire-breathing dragon. He’ll comeover in a heartbeat to rescue you if you’re ever in trouble. 

You don’t have to commit the rest of your life in waiting. Your true love will come around. Just not in a shining armor or on a royal stallion. In the meantime if he’s not yet around, there’s someone else who will be your saviour.

Girls need to learn to be independent, and at the same time, knowing they are always protected. Fathers hold their daughters very dear to their hearts. Before anyone, the first man you ever loved was, and will always be, your father. You are already a princess in his eyes. 

He was there when you first walked, cautious and always around you. To catch you when you fall, to read you bedtime stories or to check for monsters under the bed. Fathers have their own secret ways of showing affection, but you know, he loves you very much. 

He was there throughout your life, and will always be, till his last breath. Girls are caught up trying to find their knight when she already has one. 

Separation 

Distance taught me one thing. It taught me how to love. 

I’ve recently got out of a relationship. And it wasn’t pretty. It was intense. It didn’t end as planned. I didn’t feel depressed, probably because I initiated it. What led me to this? Instinct. It felt.. not right. I trusted my gut and pulled myself out. Did I made the right choice? I don’t know. Did I regretted it? I don’t know. If I could change one thing, I would’ve trusted my guts a long time ago. Well it took me almost two years to finally realise it. 

All I needed was a push. 

The push, however is from a number of things. More and more each day, I become convinced that it’s not right for me. I’m not right for him. Instead of being happy, lately I felt like a lost puppy. I kept depending on him for my happiness, when in actual fact I was juggling his. My feelings never actually mattered to me. And more at the end I felt like my love had to be bought. I keep expecting things in return for this relationship to work. I gave nothing, only convictions, only feelings. That’s when I realised I can’t keep doing this. Our minds don’t coincide, our maturity was at two different ends. And I waivered my doubts as measly things. I held my mask on tightly because I thought this was a passing storm. 

I was the one building the storm. 

He didn’t deserve this. He was nothing but kind and showered his love to me. He expects so much of me when I can only give little in return. He was building a castle around us when I was clawing my way out. Was I afraid? Was I a coward? Was I overruled by doubt? 

I can’t tell if I made the right choice or not. But it’s too late now. A decison has been made.. An ending, for god knows when. Will there be anyone who will love me as much as him? I don’t know. 

All I know, it will never be the same, like what you and I had. And I’m sorry. For everything. I truly am, for breaking promises, for breaking your heart.

You have been my first love, and now you’re my first heartbreak.