“I love when you become so close with someone that you can see parts of each other in one another and you begin to say the same things and steal lines from one another and have a similar sense of humor and can exchange an inside joke with just a glance you don’t even have to talk because you have such a strong connection with them and you can sit in comfortable silence but also talk for hours it’s really hard to find that kind of compatibility.” – adorability

My solace

The best thing in the world is finding someone you can vibe with.

You don’t have to agree about everything but you understand there will be differences – and it doesn’t become a problem. That’s the best feeling. Knowing you can trust someone that much to talk about anything that runs in your mind, talk about the most random thing like even the way you stir your tea, or things that are bothering you. Even as little as what you had for lunch. There’s no need for mediators or conversation-starters. It’s just you, me and our minds. You don’t have to hold back, you don’t have to put me on a pedestal. I am on the same ground as you. Only we come from different places. Feelings don’t have to come between our way, even. As much as it is tempting to add amour to the equation, I’m loving what we have now. Getting to know you without any distractions and other external factors. It’s you. it’s authentic, it’s rough around the edges, but it’s the best kind of you.

Come talk to me, I’ll be here, ready to listen, ready to engage. I promise I won’t include the mushy stuff and I will remain neutral but keep the conversation going. Keep it real and keep it honest. Don’t leave out any details. Smile or cry when you have to. Put the time aside and the rest of the world. For on,y a moment. It’s just between you and me.

All I Want

I’m not asking a grand declaration of love. I’ve stopped entertaining those thoughts long ago. You see, I have resigned myself to where I am now, hanging by a thin, tenuous thread. I can feel it twisting above me, gently fraying, slowly giving way. I’m not asking for promises or tenure – I just want a hand to reach for at the breaking point.

Lang Leav


The words that hurt the most don’t come from the people you love – it’s from yourself.

You never see yourself adequate nor perfect. Neither pretty nor bright. You shake off praises because you think its just a formality. You believe everyone has good, except you. In a day you can come up with 50 flaws and 0 strengths.

One day you begin to believe your words and they become etched in your brain. You see fire as friend, running it across your skin. It becomes a habit you have no control of, a burnt skin. You pick on the surface because you couldn’t bear the sight. You didn’t think it would be better.

A stranger comes and talks to you. A mere conversation, a “hello” and “how are you?”. It ended with a thought or two, about why it shouldn’t have ended here. You stop touching the burnt skin, and you move on. You start to forget the burn.

As time flies by, you become light on your feet, you feed yourself with only beautiful things. It begins to show on your face, your skin and your eyes. The scab you once picked on is starting to heal on its own, but it never really disappears. It serves as a reminder, how you fought and survived, your biggest enemy – yourself.



Post-Perth Blues

KUL-PER, 15th Oct
PER-KUL, 17th Oct

Why have I decided to blog about this now? Because I miss the trip dearly, and I realised I haven’t written in soo long. So forgive me for that because I have moods for everything and for today, its writing.

So I essentially stole a few days of my schedule from school, and joined my two high school mates to their trip to Perth. In total they went for 7 days, while I, 3. Yes, I know you’re wondering – whose stupid enough to go for only 3 days? why are you wasting money? are you just crazy?

Honestly, (1) I didn’t mind, and (2) I just wanted to escape for a bit, and (3) I can’t possibly skip the whole week of school, and I have my dear friends there who has contacts there. It’s kind of an impromptu trip and I didn’t plan for one single thing. And one of the crucial things about this is that my mum agreed to this – which never happens. Love you, muma.

Here’s to many firsts during this short trip!

While the rest took their flight from Singapore, I flew from Kuala Lumpur, because why not. And it’s way cheaper! This was my first solo plane trip so I was pretty psyched and nervous about it. Let me tell you a short example of how daft I can be. While I was checking in for my flight, they asked whether I’ve applied for my VISA. shit. I didn’t know I had to apply for it to go to Perth. So I said no, and I asked them what should I do. Mind you, it was a few minutes to gate opening. The woman said not to worry, it takes a few minutes to apply online. Wallah I was so relieved to hear that. I think I heard my heart crashed a while ago. I quickly applied my VISA and paid AUD20 with my Mastercard, got my ass on the plane, buckled and ready to leave Malaysia. Risky business, tsk tsk. (Solo flight to a foreign country, check)

My arrival in Perth was a few hours earlier from them so Sof’s mum will be picking me up. She and her family migrated while she was still a young lass and they stayed there ever since.

I walked around the airport and got myself coconut water (my ultimate favourite drink, do take note) and was already greeted by a polite young man. It was nice, and it was new to me as that wasn’t the culture of Singapore, not even KL.

One of the reasons that made me fall in love with Perth was the warm, welcoming and friendly citizens.

As soon as the sliding doors slid open when I was about to exit, a gush of chill wind flew in and shook me to the core. I quickly checked the weather report and it said 14 – fourteen -degrees celsius! I had never experience that kind of cold air and I was pretty shocked because weeks back I remembered checking the forecast and it said during the dates of my travel that it would be 32 degrees. Clearly I didn’t prepare for this kind of situation (clearly I didn’t prepare at all). I waited by the pick-up point and I was rubbing my hands to keep myself warm. The wind had a different agenda for me apparently.

20 mins away from the airport, I reached Riverton, where they were residing. The whole neighbourhood was beautiful and quaint, very cozy. They had a lavender and rosemary bush right outside their porch. I settled down and explored the house a bit. Just like how I pictured my retirement home – by the river, garden of my own, an adequate cooking area and an extremely cozy living room. So a fact about me, I am not a fan of mutton. I can however eat it when it’s heavily marinated, when the gamy smell has gone. Sof’s mum offered me but I was hesitant. I gave in anyway, curious about Australian lamb if there’s any difference at all. Straight outta the freezer and into the hot pan. Threw in a bit of spices, sizzled a few minutes on each side and onto my plate with a dash of himalayan salt and a side of cooked asparagus drizzled in olive oil. Lord, this got me salivating as I’m typing this. To my surprise, there was only a faint gamy smell and it didn’t bother me at all! My nose and tastebuds were very very pleased.

Night came and Sof’s mum drove me to Freemantle straight where we’ll meet the rest of the girls after Sof picked them up. What’s coming to Australia without having their fish and chips (Checking that off my list)! Friends of the family came over as well and they were young women of different ethnicity and all of them settled down here since young as well. Beautiful girls, beautiful hearts. We had a night of laughter and goofing around, accompanied by seafood and desserts, and a couple of delicious hot cocoa. Twas a great first night!

Come next day we had to wake up really early to prepare for our trip to Rockingham. The only reason I went to Perth. To swim with wild dolphins! Finally, a time I can be a true mermaid. We waited at the end of the dock, with a group of people who signed up or the trip. Had our pleasantries and off we go in the small yacht. Settled the remaining payments and got into our wet suits. All the time I was excited and scared – for the experience and for the *cold* water. “Look, there they are!”, shouted someone. We rushed to look at the direction he was pointing and there we saw it, fins poking out of the sea. I felt a rush of excitement and thrill. I was so ready to jump in the water to meet them. We took turns to be in the water so that everyone had a chance.

The moment I stepped into the slightly clouded water, I felt the cold blanketing around me and I tried my best to calm my nerves. After a few deep breaths, I placed my head in the water and my vision was fixed onto a moving grey body, gracefully twirled and darted in every direction. There were 3 of them, within reach. Not only did I get the experience of swimming among them, I got to hear the sounds they make underwater. The squeaks and clicks of echolocation and communication. Subhanallah, for a moment I forgot about my worries, I forgot about school, I forgot about the cold surrounding me. For a moment I felt alive and free, I felt a newer sense of appreciation for everything. (Swim with dolphins, check)

I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to be under, I wanted to live among these wild and beautiful creatures.

We went for a series of three times and I felt that was enough for me. The cold was getting to me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. Heck, I was shivering! To give a bit of warmth I poured hot water down my suit. It didn’t help much but either that or nothing. We spent about 3 hours at sea in total and we were back on land. Despite the cold, we had to have ice-cream after that. It was yummy and for a good deal! The scoops were huge and we were satisfied. Went home after to drop our things and we followed the mother to hike and fish. Ah, this was when I realised I had struck myself out. I left my outerwear. Oops I did it again.

Come nightfall, I was already shivering and on the floor on the jetty. I wrapped myself using the mat and I couldn’t even hold a rod to fish the first time. The wind was mighty strong and I was trying hard to regulate my breathing. Amidst the cold winds and floating seagulls and delicious cookies, I witnessed the supermoon (October 16th), it was massive, bright and beautiful. I saw it creep out slowly from the bottom – you can actually see it rising. I couldn’t help but to praise God, for arranging the world in such beautiful manner, and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. (Watch the supermoon in another country, check. Night fishing, check)

La Lune – it glows and lights up the darkness, it gives a new perspective to the world, a softer feature, a whole other mystery.

We ended the night with pizza and went all around town. The nightlife at the time was not busy. Probably of the cold and I guess people would rather cozy up in their houses and warm their feet. I wish I could too but that’s the beauty of life. You can’t experience everything with the small amount of time you have and you just gotta find what’s worth doing. If that means being out in the freezing cold night to be around amazing people, then so be it.

The final day, for me. Sof brought us all shopping around town because I had a list and I just can’t go home without gifts for my fam. I got a little carried away in the malls because (1) the items are so friggin cheap – especially the snacks, and (2) they have all the things I want for my home – utensils, decor, household items etc., and (3) they have self-checkout counters which accepts cash! I mean Singapore needs that. The whole world needs that. It would make our lives so much easier. I got muma a Pandora essence bracelet and a small charm which signifies wisdom and my cousin whose getting married, a small April charm, a birth month we share. Oh, and because of Sof, I became a believer. I’m addicted to Lush products now! I bought a bunch of things and they’re mighty cheap over there and I can’t help but feel like a garden fairy after using the products. Already thinking of getting my Aussie cousin whose coming down next month to buy me more products. Tempting.

After all that shopping and packing, they got their things to go for a camping road trip after sending me off to the airport. So jealous, but another time maybe for me, hehe. I reached the airport and straight to check-in. There I met a cute counter guy and yes my hand carry exceeded the weight limit. And I had to pay AUD50. Great. But anywho, after I passed security and got myself a bag of chips and water, I proceeded to the gate. Guess who was there to greet me – the cutie! I handed my passport and he said, “Hey, we meet again! I hope you enjoy your flight”. Can I bring you back home? Just get on the plane with me already.

I reached KLIA about 10.30pm after a few hours of chatting with a relatively old Australian man during the trip. He shared many life experiences and advices I could use. He was wise and positive-minded. I didn’t even catch his name, but I’ll always remember him. Upon arrival, I said my dues, wished him the best in life and we parted ways. Alerted my transported and I waited for my ride.

Back to reality.

Although the trip was short, it was amazing and memorable. It gave me life lessons and gave me a whole new experience. The ups and downs tied this whole trip together and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I might have missed out a few stories or events here and there, but I guess it’s for me then. Looking forward to my next trip there, but this time, maybe a little longer. Maybe with my family, insyallah.

P.s Phew that was a lengthy post. I hope I don’t bore you to death.

4 days of Solitude

This is my first time experiencing University life without my friends for only a short period of time. Where are they? Currently somewhere in my hometown. Yes, I am here, in Malaysia. Will be along for 4 days – Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday (apparently a public holiday).

Why did I choose not to go home? Countless reasons.
1. Commitment to the ART (Asiium Research Team) – I’ll tell you about it next time.
2. I have something on Friday.
2. Saving money (I have bigger plans apparently).
3. I have tons of reading up and assignment. Well, one each but well..
4. I just wanna try being alone in a foreign land.

Friday – I woke up at 7.30am to get ready. It was my first time volunteering at a kids centre. It was actually a Somaali learning centre. I was pretty psyched and nervous, knowing my bad experience of dealing with children. Not pretty but I was willing to try my best. I even learned a few phrases from Somalia. I youtube-d it and wrote it down. Like Subax wanagsan, means good morning. It’s pronounced subah (‘h’ form the back of your throat). Pretty cool huh? It was even more interesting that subah is similiar to an arabic word صباح (su-baah – similar pronunciation of ‘h’), which also means morning! I spent the rest of the day after that, in the Library. Attempting my research on Political Science, yikes!

Saturday – I woke up at 12pm. That was the worst feeling ever. It’s been long since I woke up that late. Around 2 I decided to drop by the cafe to meet Razali and have lunch. Prior to that I actually went uphill to KICT to withdraw money. That was the only place available to withdraw with an overseas card. Am Bank failed on me for two days – curses. Back at the cafe, I met Fathiyah! we had late lunch together and it was raining so heavily. It would be nicer if I was with my love interest *wink wink*. She left when there was barely rain and I continued with my work until 6pm, for the closing of the cafe and even though Razali offered to give me a ride home, I told him I was going to sit at the canteen to finish up (which I didn’t – only progressed by 10%). I went home after maghrib, in the dark. There was a sort of this melancholic feeling walking in the streets, few students, lesser cars, hopelessly lit areas.. There wasn’t any feeling of security, but I enjoyed every moment.

Sunday, today – I woke up at 10 am, did laundry, and laaaaaaaaaaaazed around all day like a cat. Seriously, I went out for lunch, came back, listened to some music, refreshed twitter for about 10,000 times, and the rest, some unproductive things. I’m to make it all up by continuing my assignment. Yes, GOd, it’s not done yet. Had my cuppa matcha, hopefully the caffeine will hit me up soon, and if it doesn’t, all the best to me!

Hello, stranger.

It was barely 11pm and I made my way through campus. I just left from an event held at the Economics & Management Department, they were introducing the new batch of students. I walked on the ghostly streets, in campus after-hours and night owls. We passed along the entrance of the library hallway, by the glass doors which revealed the darkness of the library.

Right on the bench facing the entrance, there I saw the most beautiful thing, subhaanallah, my eyes was not taking a second off from the sight. I couldn’t tell if it was moonlight caressing his face, or was it the corridor lights. There he sat, alone, with his computer resting on his thighs. Typing away, unaware of our presence. He looked to be way older than I am – could be he had one of those faces where it ages a little faster. He was wearing a light blue, long-sleeved shirt (and it was not rolled-up). He had those spectacles that the frames were fully metal. He had the look of wisdom written on his face and posture.

I believe, he looked too mature to be unmarried, if I can say that. If I had the chance to meet him again, I would. Maybe you could find me hanging around the area at the same time, some other night. All I had was a memory of him and nothing else, not even a name. If I ever see him again, I hope I could recognize him but I don’t think anyone could forget a face like that. I hope to see you again, stranger.

p.s is this what love at first sight feels like?
p.p.s I think I have to cleanse my eyes with

21 & Single

I don’t know, but everything around me lately is about marriage. My friends are getting married, my cousins, the things I see, the blogs I follow and the classes I attend. It is supererogatory to get married in Islam, that I believe and I won’t argue.

I am 21, and I want to get married, but I don’t think its time yet, for me anyway. Half of my society says to live single life to the fullest and don’t get settled young, the other half promotes early marriage and work together for betterment.
Both of the opinions have merits and disadvantages. Honestly the latter weighs a bit more towards my perspective and understanding.

At this moment, I’m in my second semester of my university life. The average time to graduate is 4 years, and I have about 3 and a 1/2 more to go. I’m only going to consider marriage when I’m reaching towards the end of my programme. Let’s say in my 3rd year possibly. Then, I’ll give marriage a thought. I don’t want to get married young and I don’t want to get married too old.

And IF possible, I say if because it is most unlikely for me, I’d like to have an intermarriage, across borders. That way I can kill two birds with one stone *sheepish laugh*. Think about it, I get another reason to travel – to visit my future in-laws, I get another reason to learn a new language and the same time getting married, duh. Let’s say it’s killing three birds (why kill?).

I will be busy, or making myself busy, with doing things I currently love, I will always try and work my way to be a better person, I will grab new opportunities which uni life has to offer, I will fill my mind with reading and learning, and meet new people and accept every life lessons and experiences thrown my way. Insyallah (if God wills it).

Well whatever my future is, whatever journey I will take, I pray for the best for me (y’all pray for me too), and may my future spouse be the coolness to my eyes, my parents eyes, may he emulate the way of the beloved Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and may he walk with me side-by-side to betterment and goodness. Qul ameen (say amen)!

A girl can dream – and pray- can’t she?